"Haaland vs. the Colonel: Who Wins the Parody Showdown?"
It's the debate that's animated the community ever since both names came into existence: between the Haaland and Mbappé parodies haunting the game Dovion, which one deserves the title of official terror of the archipelago? Before we ring the bell, let's set the record straight once and for all: these two characters are comedic parodies, simple nods with no link, affiliation, or endorsement from the real Erling Haaland and Kylian Mbappé — who, as far as we know, have never sunk a single ship. That said… let the duel begin.
The two contenders, one sentence each
In the left corner: Haaland, a feared control boss whose appearance comes down to two chilling words — "Haaland bursts in!" In the right corner: Colonel Mbappé, a sneaky hunter who arrives with the caravan, preceded by a triumphant trumpet — "The Colonel enters the scene!" Two styles, two philosophies, and one shared passion for ruining your evening.
Their full portraits are here: Haaland, the boss who bursts in and Colonel Mbappé, troll-in-chief.
Round 1: the entrance
The Colonel takes care over his arrival: trumpet, theatrical announcement, the flair of a man who wants to be seen. Haaland despises theatrics: he bursts in, and the announcement is barely more than a statement of fact. Two words against a fanfare.
On style, the Colonel wins the elegance contest. On fright factor, Haaland's bluntness is unbeatable: you don't get time to be scared, you're already scared late. Round to Haaland.
Round 2: the working method
The Colonel is a craftsman of cunning: he slips into the wake of a merchant caravan, hunts stealthily, and picks his moments. Haaland does the exact opposite: raw, very frequent presence — he's a control boss, and he comes back again and again, like a deadline you can't push off.
One is a trap, the other is a certainty. Veterans fear what they don't see coming even more. Round to the Colonel.
Round 3: cultural legacy
Here, the Colonel pulls out his secret weapon: the scoreboard troll. "The Colonel is tampering with the scoreboard…" remains one of the game's boldest jokes — touching the leaderboard, an io player's most sacred possession, took real nerve. Haaland fires back with a heavyweight argument: his name has become a rallying cry. "Haaland bursts in!" is now said across the community to announce any kind of unexpected disaster.
A legendary troll against a phrase that's entered everyday speech. Impossible to separate them. Round even.
The verdict (drumroll)
Two rounds to one, advantage… nobody, really. Because the real answer lies elsewhere: the only loser of this duel is you. Whatever happens in your match, one of the two will eventually cross your path — and usually at the worst possible moment. That's actually the genius of Dovion's cast: threats with personalities so distinct you end up waiting for them like old, intimate enemies. Not to mention the third party watching this duel from afar while reloading his cannons: the Admiral, the relentless gunner.
Settle it yourself
The person best placed to settle this debate is still you, at the helm, after surviving (or not) both of them. Form your own opinion firsthand: play Dovion for free — the trumpet and the "bursts in" are both waiting for you, not necessarily in that order.